Many thoughts are completely overtaking my mind as I wonder what is going to happen as I head to Haiti. Okay, that sounds bad. I mean, “wonder what is going to happen” as in what is the Lord going to do through me while Im there, how can I change one person’s life, how am I going to be changed? I made the choice to serve in Haiti this summer for an indefinite amount of time because I can. Nothing is holding me back- no boyfriend, no apartment lease, no professional job….nothing. Now of course I’ll miss my friends and family all the time, and I will somewhat miss a bit of being comfortable here. But it doesnt stop me, because being uncomfortable and pushing myself to overcome my weaknesses and being in a new culture and environment where something is always different and changing—well, I’m ready and completely head over heels for this. (Haha, and no that expression shouldn’t just be used for your love relationships). I thrive on change.
I’ve found myself getting too comfortable back into my American culture. In Mali, I really enjoyed living out of 2 suitcases. I really enjoyed not needing much at all. I really enjoyed (generally speaking) the hard and difficult and uncomfortable situations because it stretched me. Isnt that what this is all about? Being stretched. God strengthening our weaknesses. God calls the weak right? Well, I am pretty weak and know that I cant do much on my own. But the Lord has really found a way to impress a passion upon my heart to PUSH myself (my determined personality) no matter what it is. Language has always been hard for me, and I have never really enjoyed it, but Im going to PUSH myself to do it. Im so comfortable with kids in another culture, but with adults I feel a little bit more uneasy, but Im going to PUSH myself to get away from the shyness I still hold in specific situations.
I never thought I would come to this moment right now, again. I had the freedom to change my life and the Lord has honored that choice that I have made because He has SHUT all the other doors and opened this one to Living Waters. If anything, these children and these Haitians dont need me whatsoever….I find myself needing them instead. I feel deprived spiritually. I feel lost and at most a “lukewarm” Christian. I hate that. And yet why is it that God-fearing believers in such rough and unstable circumstances and situations have a passion and burning heart for the Lord. What is wrong with me? I sooo desire to LEARN from them and discover that passion again. Where did it go? Am I so wrapped up in my own small problems, my own world and selfishness, that I cant even look past it to see what a true need is?
Lord, I need to be rebroken and rehealed and completely give everything up, again and again.
I think mostly about what I have to come back to when I choose to come back home from Haiti. To me, there seems no reason or point, of course I cant see the bigger picture nor anything that far ahead of me (that’s probably good!) So…..?