As I start this post, i’m not really sure what the Lord wants me to say. I know what I want to share and what I dont want to share. But the point of my blog is for people to understand and be able to read on how God is working in my life. In whatever I do I want to be a light to all others around me.
I don’t have any plans anymore. How hard of a statement that is? I can say it but I have to believe it with my heart, not my head. To say tha i have no plans almost seems impossible. I do have passions and desires and of course that all lies with Africa. But Africa has to wait right now. This week i was in Peachtree City, Georgia. I loved the couples and single people I met. How incredible it was to be with a group of people with the same desire and direction from the Lord….”I’ve called you to GO”. In this case it is to Africa. Most people have an idea of where they want to go in Africa. Others are still looking for a very clear direction. All of us had plans and expectations of this week. Many were met of course but many were not met. In my case, the biggest expectation I had (getting appointed by AIM) was not met this week. What a hard thing to hear. It really shook me and although they told me I am still part of AIM and can get appointed later, I didn’t like it. I mean my plan was to leave by next summer. That would fit nicely with everything in my life. Instead, my whole direction and perspective has now changed, because of one answer, one minute, and one change.
I’ve become more of a delayed appointee. Not appointed, but in the future very likely. The hard part of this whole week was sitting down with a counselor and having her/him tell us all these issues we need to work on because very likely would they come up on the field. This counselor had our psyh tests we took a couple months ago and a short-answer questionaire filled with personal questions. I was scared, especially after hearing an experience from the girl I was rooming with. She was told “no” 7 years ago and is now going because of how God has directed her (amazing!). But I was still afraid at what this woman (a complete stranger but Godly missionary) would bring up and share with me. In many ways I was also ashamed because of my struggles I haven’t overcomed in many many years. The one thing I did figure out is when there is a huge tragedy in your life and it doesn’t get dealt with in the right way it is like the core of an onion. On the top of the onion are many many layers. These layers consist of more issues, insecurities, inadequacies that have developed because of that tragedy. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was either. These things come out in all different circumstances in all different times of life. It is almost frightening on how it works.
I came out of that counseling session with a better idea of what I needed to work on. But i knew that meant my process with AIM as becoming a missionary with them was coming to a pause at this point. I loved the lady I counseled with. She definitely knew what she was talking about, but on the other hand so encouraging. I remember she had said “I want you to be the best missionary you can be. I have no doubt of your calling and I can hear the passion in your voice for children and for going.” She went on to say “But at this point, you really need to take time to resolve this issues and heal from them”. I knew she was right. I wanted to be bitter. Instead I was more sad and a bit disappointed in myself.
Next day I was called into the Candidate Director’s Office with another single lady. Stephanie. She’s too sweet. She works in the short-term department. It was a no for now. They wanted me to heal emotionally from the trauma that happened in my life at such a young age and all the other things that seemed to pile on top of it. I knew they were right. And they spoke about this through love and grace. AIM is such a great organization and I was sooooo encouraged by them. Many staff prayed with me that day and I was so thankful for it. I didn’t honestly want to be that “one” person that didn’t get appointed, but it happened, and there’s a great reason as to why the Lord wants to prepare me just a little bit longer so that I can do the best for Him that I can do for longer and for His glory only.
So here I am. Delayed. Living at home. Working full-time. Needing guidance and wisdom. Where do I start? How do I tackle these issues? Let this year- year 1/2 go fast but also be filled with joy, peace, direction, and much love from my Heavenly Father.
If you feel lead to pray, I’d be forever greatful in this hard place.