Life has just recently kind of hit me in the face and I feel like I’m down on the ground not able to get up. I’m not sure really what has been going on. In a way, I haven’t been that excited about Namibia, probably because I’m dealing with other things right now and I dont leave for another 5 months. Plus I’ve been a bit fearful and doubtful lately. Today I was hit with a lot of bad and negative thoughts that I knew were not mine. Why they come at certain times I dont know? Satan really knows me well and understands what I’m facing and struggling with at this moment and he loves to keep me down. In fact, today was a really rough day. I’ve been dealing with this big hole in my life and heart that my father was supposed to fill. But he couldnt, because he passed away at age 4 and I didn’t gain a stepfather until I was 13. those are the most important years of a person’s life. I find myself wanting and searching for something but I dont know what specifically. Today I just felt really hurt and down. I realized that I cannot allow any other person to fill this whole but the Father heart of God. He is the only one, so why do I go to everyone else first before Him. Why isn’t it easier to feel Him fill that whole. Is it a long process? When am I gonna feel no gap anymore. It has affected me so much that sometimes I dont even know what is normal, or who I am. I just received a book from my roommate I am going to read about God’s heart as our Father. I’m hoping to find some answers.