i’d leave all to find you

In the past couple of weeks I have felt more lost in my life than I ever have.  All sorts of doubts and questions I have been pondering in my mind about who Jesus is, why He died for us and how that bridges the gap today so we can have a relationship with Him.  More than just a belief in Him, but an intimate relationship.  I grew up under the beliefs of my parents and I was influenced to believe what they did.  Growing up in the church and going to sunday school was also part of what I believed.  But recently, I have discovered that have I made this faith my own.  Have I taken it as my own and not because of the influence my family has had on me?  All these thoughts have been good, but confusing.  It’s good to think about why you believe what you do.  There are so many people today, according to my professor, that believe the Bible but have never even read the words on the pages.  What kind of crap is that? Excuse my language.  It bothers me.

I don’t feel lost in life because I do not know where I’m headed after graduation specifically, I feel lost more spiritually than anything.  I feel that my re-entry via Mali has now increased some thoughts about who I am.  Who am I? Where is my identity? Do I even know what my identity is?  In Mali, I wasn’t defined as what I do but who I am to the core of my soul.  Yes people wonder what you do, eventually, but that is not their first thought in Mali.  It is, “How is your family? How many brothers and sisters do you have? Are they well?” Relation is important to much of the rest of the world, excluding Americans.  We are all about independency, getting things done for ourselves before we have to leave for our next appointment.  We are too proud.

I’m not sure how to describe how lost I am.  Or what it all entails.  I just feel some crazy unsteadiness I guess.  Maybe it is because I don’t have a firm foundation.  I’m always moving around or doing something else the next year.  Nothing is very solid or continual but the homework and classes.  I was going through the Bible and came across the section where Jesus says that He would leave all 99 of His sheep to find His lost one.  It immediately brought the song from Audio Adrenaline to my mind.  These words are good and affirming to me at this time in my life.

The weird thing about feeling so lost is that, I’ve hungered and thirsted for so much of Jesus.  I don’t know if that is just how He does things or if He is just trying to get my attention.  I continually think about Him and how precious and important He is in my life.  There is that sort of joy (if you’ve ever experienced it) that makes you just want to burst 10 feet off of the ground and scream.  I cannot explain how joyful He makes me.

I’m lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I’m on my own
You remind me I am not alone

when You say..

I’d leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I’d leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It’s dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can’t move my feet because I’m frozen with fear
then you say, my child, my child
I am always here, i’m at your side


you’re never too far down
I promise you’ll be found,
i’ll reach into the mud,
the miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
can keep me away



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