why do i come back

I’ve been hit with something today.  Something that I really really HATE to face and experience over and over.  It’s called re-entry shock. When you’re overseas for such a time, coming back to the States will feel like your identity and self is sort of shredded.  Nothing is the same anymore, even if you were only gone a couple months.  You’ve seen the need. You’ve seen injustice and feel like no one is doing anything about it.  After all, you are not the same anymore. You’re thinking has changed. You’re worldview has been shattered.  You have been changed forever.  You’ve fallen in love with the beauty of that country.  I’ve fallen in love with Africa.  But moreso, what makes it so incredibly beautiful are the wonderful people.

Today I was hit with this thought: why do I come back.  Now in all honesty and for real, I wonder myself.  Why do I keep taking these trips forcing myself to deal with this crap every time I come back.  I don’t know.  Why didn’t I just stay.  How important is finishing another year of school? (Don’t tell my parents this one).  Tonight I sat in silence watching a movie.  Inside I was burning and screaming though.  I hadn’t felt that since last summer when I came back from Swaziland.  That same lonely feeling.  Nothing is right in the world.  I have no sense of direction right now.  I could honestly say I hate where I’m at in life right now, again.  I want to hibernate. I want to be invisible.  I dont want to be here.

So…

why do I come back?

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5 thoughts on “why do i come back

  1. My dear, I’m sorry we couldn’t get together today. I wish we could have talked. I’ve been praying for you. And I’m sorry you have to go through all this all over again. I don’t understand what you’re going through and I won’t pretend to, but I am willing to listen and pray with you anytime. And if there is anything else I can do, please let me know. I love you, Amanda.

  2. I felt the same way when i came back….even though its been a year i sometimes still feel that way. i allowed myself to become invisible my first semester back and it took great effort just to get out of bed and go to class. i encourage you to take the time to process your thoughts but don’t rely fully on yourself. God will give you clarity of heart and mind. it also helps to talk with one of your team members because they are probably feeling the same way. But whatever you do…do not let yourself become invisible…..in the long run thats actually worse than facing reallity as much as reallity may hurt. i love reading your blogs…they help me process some of my thoughts and see things in a new light. I will be praying for you as you struggle with this….know that you do not struggle alone.

  3. Pingback: 2010 in review « vision. documentary. faith. photography. culture

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