questions i’m searching for

Most people seem to ask me, “Oh I bet you are glad to be back. I bet it’s nice to feel normal again and back to your life.”  It’s such a common answer but there are so many things wrong with it.  First of all, I was glad to be back for a week to see people.  I’m done with that.  The thing is I will never say this to your face, but after being to Africa twice and developing such a God-given passion for the people there, I DON’T want to live here.  I don’t feel like I’m doing ministry here, nor God’s work.  I have class, work, then time at home and church on Sundays.  What am I doing but only developing a closer relationship with Jesus, nothing for anyone else.  It’s true. I’m NOT glad to be back.  Life here for me is boring.  Everything is the same, nothing is a huge challenge that I can’t face.  In Mali, everyday was a new challenge- the language and communication, trying not to be so American but accepting their cultural norms and etc.  Every where we went it was an adventure and I loved not knowing what was going to happen.  That is the outgoing side of me, I’ve never been like this before.  Years ago I would say that I would have been so uncomfortable and hated to venture out.  I liked being uncomfortable. Not many people can say that these days.  When do I feel uncomfortable in the States- and I mean extremely uncomfortable?  The people who understand missions don’t ask that sort of question, they assume it’s hard to be back and they are so right.  Depending on the person though, some might say they are glad to be back b/c it wasn’t the best experience but that wasn’t me.

I’ve been dreaming alot again.  I had a dream where somehow I adopted two children.  They were mine somehow I dont really remember.  But it was so intense that I woke up sweaty and feeling grose!  I don’t understand these dreams keep coming.  It makes me more impatient about adopting soon and having a child soon.  Like I was telling a friend last night, if I could, I would adopt TODAY.  Now maybe that isn’t the Lord’s plans but that is my passion.  I understand many Christians would say that the LORD made children to live with a dad and a mom, and that’s how he created families.  But it is a broken world.  There are no longer just mom, dads, and children living together.  I do believe in single motherhood, especially since I have no idea if I will ever get married. (Of course I hope to like every woman does).  But I am reminded how special it is by some young women living in Uganda who have their own children as single mothers not married or even dating.  Renee has adopted one little girl. Katie has adopted 14 girls over a stretch of a couple years.  That’s just not normal and that is why they stand out!  Stand out for God’s Kingdom.

I was sitting in church today.  Waypoint in Omaha has the younger generation of people attending.  There are some older too, but mostly young married couples with children and babies coming out of their ears!! It is so incredible to watch.  Children are everywhere, there are about 7 newborns that I’ve observed while I was sitting down.  It’s incredible and so perfect!  It kind of broke my heart a little bit.

When will it be my turn? When?

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2 thoughts on “questions i’m searching for

  1. I totally get you! And since I’m going back to Swaziland next month for two weeks, I know I’m going to go thru the whole re-adjustment thing all over again. I want to be back in Africa to stay!

    And btw, even though I have seven, I’m already hoping and dreaming about adopting some precious dark-skinned lovies one day. If I can’t BE a TRUE Swazi, at least I might can be a mommy to one. 😀

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